An honest account of a middle-aged man’s struggle and gradual ebbing losses in life, based on an online journal he maintained; he was struck with cancer in the colon and the liver in middle of a happy life; the book is a result of Kristian’s wife’s work at stringing together blogposts from his website.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.LEONARD COHEN, “ANTHEM”
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil,
for you are with me.
PSALM 23:4 CEI now know what it means to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. But the thing about a shadow is that it is vaporized by light.First John 1:5 reads:This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.”He falls apart, gathers himself and walks on:
As I emailed a friend:
For some reason my faith is surging when I am normally quite melancholy. I sense a battle ahead, but I also sense a victory. I’m frightened of the medical processes ahead. My body is going to go through hell, not to mention my mind — but I have hope. Real hope. I’m going to make it out the other side of this, and there will be tales of miracles. It’s time for me to stand up and be counted.
What poor research my enemy has undertaken! His recon team should be hung, drawn, and quartered! What terrible destruction I will bring to his doorstep. What violence I will unleash against him.
Great. As if this wasn’t already awkward enough for me. Fill in all the forms, permissions, power of attorney, etc., in case something happens to me, and then I am introduced to the scientist. Who happens to be a not unattractive Asian woman my age, it just gets better.
Some days I’m Jekyll; some days I’m Hyde.
But mostly I’m Hyde, and I can’t control it.
“Hallelujah, because my God walks beside me and fights the battle for me. He commands His angels concerning me, and they guard me carefully. He is my fortress, my hiding place while the battle for my life rages around me. He stands between me and the sickness that seeks to take my life and says to the sickness, “No further — you will not harm him.”
I’m the head of our house, the gatekeeper. If something comes in and attacks my family, it is only because I have failed to keep it out.God, help.
Finally, when he can see no exit and his confidence begins to cloud with silent pleas, he prays,
“All I have are His promises. God, I need a miracle, sooner rather than later. Please?”
I’ve been trying to write something intelligent since Christmas Day. It hasn’t really been happening. Catching my thoughts has been like Mr. Miyagi trying to catch a fly with chopsticks in The Karate Kid. Apparently it’s known as “chemo brain” and is a well-documented occurrence. Still, it doesn’t make me feel that great to know I’m not functioning 100 percent in the head. I feel a little like the crazy Irishman in Braveheart.